seek out enemy agents who have come to conduct espionage against you and bribe them

[numberhuang]

I have been in the city of Darrow for over a month. And that is a little frightening to think about. I don't think that I am any closer to finding any answers about why I am here, how people are brought here, or how I can leave. While I have worked for longer to achieve many things in my life, I have to admit that this might be the most frustrating experience yet. I don't know what kind of progress I'm making. Every day, I work from dawn until dusk to either learn more about the city or at least find ways to keep myself afloat while I'm here. I go to bed exhausted, I never get good sleep.

But I feel that I am still at square one.

The only possible place that I think I could investigate more than I have is City Hall. There must be some reason why the politics of this city is so strange. Why is there a mayor that almost nobody knows about or is able to speak to? I mean, nobody in Orlando knows who their mayor is either, but that's why the mayor is so happy to receive some kind of attention when the people actually decide that it's important to speak with him. Here, you don't have that. You only have receptionists who use all kinds of ways to keep you from making an appointment with the mayor.

I think this means they're hiding something, and I am going to find out what. Today, I am waiting in the bushes outside of City Hall. Some people might think that I look strange, but I have made sure to stay far enough that I cannot legally get in trouble for loitering. I have a lunch box with me that is filled with pork buns that I munch on as I look through my pair of binoculars, trying to see into the City Hall windows. Sometimes I can see people walking down the hall, not well enough to make out their faces, but enough to know that there's something going on inside.

Now I just need to figure out a plan to get myself in there. Maybe not today, but I figure that if I apply for a job with the city government, then they definitely won't be able to keep me out. I mean, I would only be doing my job.

Comments

[losttheright]

Pretty soon, she won't be doing this anymore. Assuming everything continues on schedule, Molly has about four weeks left before she'll have to go on maternity leave, and while she can't exactly say that she's thrilled about the prospect of not going to work for a few months, she'd be stupid to ignore the inevitability of it. Better to keep it in the back of her mind, to make sure that there are plans in place so things will run smoothly without her, and to enjoy this freedom, such as it is, while she can. That includes what she's doing now: walking from City Hall to pick up something for lunch, especially since, exhausted as she seems to be all the time, she knows she needs to be getting in at least a little exercise. She's not up for much else these days.

That plan gets temporarily put on hold when, on her way out to the sidewalk, she notices something that's more than a little strange, even for this place. There's a woman crouched in the bushes, watching the building through a pair of binoculars, and if Molly had to guess, she'd say it looks like she's planning on sticking around for a while. Maybe it shouldn't be, but at least for the moment, it's more amusing than worrying, and she just stands there for a moment, a confused, lopsided smile on her face, before she speaks. "Can I help you with something?"

[numberhuang]

I look up when someone speaks to me. I was not expecting that. Most of the people in the city, unless they are also from outside of it like I am, seem to ignore me for anything that isn't transactional. They will sell me anything that I want in their stores, but try to chat about traveling, or politics, or any of the things that people usually get excited about, and it's like there's cotton stuffed in their ears. They don't tell me anything interesting.

Especially in City Hall, where it feels like everyone is just part of a system, and that system doesn't have any room for Jessica Huang to get involved.

But now there's a pregnant lady who I saw earlier in my binoculars coming out of the building, and she's looking at me, and she's asking if she can help me. I sit up straighter, putting down the pork bun that I was about to bite into.

"Yes," I say with some hesitation. "I am hoping to learn more about the political system. And get a meeting with the mayor. But nobody I talked to at the front desks has ever been able to help me with this before. Do you know how I speak to him? Preferably in the same room so that I don't just get the non-answers politicians send in letters."

[losttheright]

Given that the woman is in the bushes outside City Hall, looking towards the building with binoculars, Molly can't say that she's particularly surprised by the response. Still, where it might, under other circumstances, be more than a little unsettling, the woman seems so normal — spying aside — that it's hard not to find the whole situation a little amusing. That could well change, but if only for the moment, she doesn't see any need to be too on guard. There are far worse things than being curious, and she gets it, anyway. Some of the people she works around aren't exactly forthcoming, especially with those who aren't from Darrow, as she's willing to bet is the case with this woman.

"I do, actually," she answers, her smile broadening a little, "considering I work for him. My name's Molly Stearns, I'm the mayor's deputy communications director." If nothing else, she thinks, she ought to be able to answer some questions, get more of an idea of what the woman wants to find out about, and if everything checks out, pass a message on to her boss personally rather than let her continue to get the runaround that the receptionists seem to like to give callers. Maybe this doesn't fall specifically under her job description, but she can still try to be helpful.

[numberhuang]

I am very shocked when this lady tells me who she is and what she does. Very shocked. I think my mouth is probably open before I think how ridiculous I must look and shake my head.

I have tried so long to get some answers about the city and come across nothing, part of me almost thought that I would never get answers without more extreme measures. But if I can get someone to explain the city and what its mayor actually does to me without making a fuss, that's obviously preferable. I slide further to the side of the bench and wave for her to sit down, she seems to be pretty late in her pregnancy and believe me — I know how exhausting that can be.

"Molly, very nice to meet you. I am Jessica Huang. Please, sit," I say, gesturing again to the bench. "And if you like Chinese pork buns, please, have one of these as well, I brought too many and you need to eat for more than one person. You know, it's... it's hard to believe that I am talking to the mayor's deputy communications director right now. I thought that there was nobody in that building who was willing to speak to me. It is nice to be able to break past a bit of bureaucracy."

[losttheright]

Admittedly grateful for the offer, Molly carefully takes a seat on the bench when it's offered to her, exhaling slowly as she does. It feels like she's tired all the time now, and even with the end in sight, she knows that's only going to get worse after the baby is born. She's just going to have to get used to it — that, and take whatever opportunities to rest that she can, even if it's only for a few minutes.

"Oh, those look amazing, thank you," she says, smiling as she reaches for one of the pork buns. "And yeah, I know what you mean. Some of the people who work here… It's like they haven't fully grasped that there are people not from here who might want to know what's going on. I think I'm one of two, maybe three people not from Darrow who works in City Hall in the first place."

The circumstances of that, of course, are as strange as anything else — she was here when Darrow was empty, and was working with Stephen on governmental matters when the city was suddenly populated, which gave her a leg up — but that's not a story she thinks she needs to tell. Where she is now, she got to on her own merits, not her former boss's, not her father's, not any other sort of connections.

[numberhuang]

"Oh, you're from outside of the city!" I exclaim. You can probably hear the relief in my voice. I mean, it's nice if someone from Darrow actually wants to talk to me, but you never know what their agenda might be. We still don't know why they brought us here, why they want us around, why they're even willing to put money in our bank accounts. It's strange and I don't trust it, but I can trust someone from outside Darrow who worked their way into the government.

Because I thought about doing that, as well. Later. After I meet more people from Darrow and earn their trust.

"That is such a relief, I don't even know where to begin. I've been trying to get answers, trying to understand what kind of information the government might be hiding from us. And I figured the people who probably know the most about the city must be the people who work for it, right?" I ask, waving my hand. "So what does the mayor actually do? Is he the evil mastermind that brought us all here?"

[losttheright]

"Well, for starters, he is definitely not the evil mastermind that brought us all here," Molly says with a shake of her head, her smile warm. "Which I know it seems like anyone who works for him would say, but I've been on his staff for... a while now, and if he has anything to do with it, he hides it insanely well." It's hard to fathom, really, that someone she's worked so closely alongside could harbor a secret of that scale. Of course, as soon as she thinks so, she realizes she's maybe not the best judge of character on that front, remembering her own history, but that was different. That was a few months, a few dates. This has been day in and day out for years now. If he were behind it, there would have been something; he would have slipped up eventually.

Trust hasn't come so easily for her since she found out she'd been dating a serial killer, but her boss is one of the few people who fits the bill.

"As for what he does — it's not really all that different from what any mayor of any city does, except with a massive side of all the weird — things that happen here on a regular basis. Keeps things running smoothly, works with the city council, makes the occasional public appearance. There was an... incident on New Year's, and there've been fewer of those since, but they still happen."

[numberhuang]

There's a bit of disappointment when I hear her say that her boss is not behind bringing people to Darrow. I really hoped that this mayor would get me more answers. I really hoped that it was someone I could go to and talk to, someone who could help me understand what was going on, someone who was easy to spot and find in the first place. But it shouldn't be a surprise that the person behind bringing all of us to Darrow isn't actually so easy to hunt down.

I sigh deeply and slump back against the bench.

"So he's just one of their pawns," I say quietly. "He has no idea what's been going on to bring people into the city or take people suddenly out of it. And it being hard to reach him is just regular politics. Unless of course, the government is actually behind some of this and it's just been hiding it very, very well."

I shake my head. "But it is just as easy to imagine that he really doesn't have any power at all in how this city works. What does he think about people like us? People who showed up out of nowhere, no explanation? I feel like if I were leading a city, I would be frustrated with the lack of order. How do you plan a city when people are popping up out of nowhere?"

[losttheright]

"It isn't easy, I can tell you that much," Molly says, brow arching. "Especially when you're always going to have people who think we — ones like us who came from somewhere else — shouldn't be here. But fortunately, he's not one of them. I mean, there's no way I'd be where I am if he were." How she got her start here may have been unconventional, the city empty, Stephen around to coax her into working with him, but the work she's done since has been her own, and that wouldn't have brought her so far if she were in the employment of someone who thought she shouldn't be in Darrow in the first place. Hell, she wouldn't want to be; she'd have found some other way of making a difference, a city council member to back or something like that. That doesn't mean the same could be said for everyone else on the staff or in the building, but still, she'll take it.

Then again, she'd take whatever she could get, no matter how unwelcome she was in Darrow. At least she'd be somewhere. That's truer than ever now that she's got a baby on the way, a life that she's responsible for bringing into the world. She might still be more terrified than excited about this pregnancy and what's going to come next, but the girl who died five years ago would never have gotten this chance.

"Which doesn't mean it's not frustrating. It's... hard to strike a balance, and there's still a lot of work to be done as far as rights and protections for people from outside Darrow go, but we're getting somewhere."

[numberhuang]

"It all sounds so... practical." I'm still frowning as I digest all the information that Molly is giving me. I mean, I started on this big existential crisis when I got here. I couldn't begin to imagine why so many people seemed so calm about the way this city works. Maybe panic isn't the right answer, but at least do something concrete, at least have a plan, I think. But if there is anything that being the head of my household has taught me, it is that not every person is prepared to be the one who's always planning ahead for every possibility.

I mean, that's why the government exists, right? And why many people wouldn't touch it with a thousand yard pole. Because they don't want that kind of responsibility. Because they're afraid they would make the wrong choices. Because it is easier sometimes to hand a choice to someone else and have the right to blame them if things go wrong. I close my eyes to think about it more. I feel very lucky that I ran into Molly; maybe I was too hasty before. It's nice to have another voice, another perspective, to help me figure out my own.

"How does it work, how did he get his position? Was he democratically elected?" I ask Molly. "Because you would think if someone who is kind to us outsiders got elected, at least that means most people in Darrow are fine with us. Most people I've met aren't very rude to me. Only if I start talking too much about Orlando, then they get... they get scared. I see it in their eyes."

[losttheright]

"He was democratically elected," Molly confirms with a nod. "We have an election at the end of every March, right before Founders Day on April 1st. And yeah, he's — well, he keeps getting elected, so obviously people like him well enough." This year in particular, that had been more of a relief than it otherwise might have, nothing she'd have been able to count on. Those weeks leading up to the election, she'd been a wreck, stressed to the point of it being dangerous, her doctor telling her she had to take it easy for the baby's sake. She's still not sure what she would have done if she'd found herself three months pregnant and out of a job. "I think most of the residents here are fine with what they'd consider outsiders, or they're just used to it, or they don't care one way or another. It's... very, very rare that I run into any trouble. There's just always going to be a small faction of people — no matter what world you're in — who don't want others coming in from other places."

It was an even bigger point of contention back home than she's found it to be here, but she tries not to think about that too much. All that ever happens is she winds up missing the political climate she'd been used to there and all the work that needed to be done. This is the life she has now, the only one she gets, and there's no sense in longing for what she'll never be able to have. "So you're from Orlando? How long have you been here?"

[numberhuang]

March. Right before Founders Day on April 1st. It almost makes me laugh that Founders Day is on April Fools. So much of me still wishes that I'll suddenly wake up and find that this was some big, elaborate hoax, some drug-induced dream. I still feel like there's a joke in all of this, except we're all subjects in the joke instead of the person that anyone's trying to make laugh.

It's painful to be here. And frightening. The only way that I hold myself together is by keeping busy and trying to figure out who's to blame. Now another path has run dry, and I don't know who to point my finger at next, who to question. It feels like every time I try to get somewhere, I come against a dead end.

"I guess that is human nature, not trusting someone who's coming into your space, someone who's different. If I think about when I arrived in America after immigrating from Taiwan, wow. Maybe people aren't usually scared, but all the assumptions, all the stereotypes, all the ridicule," I say, shaking my head. "This really is no different than that. No matter how you choose to express it, at the bottom of it all is the fact that people are the most comfortable with people who are like them."

But I don't mean for this whole conversation to become a big discussion about all the -isms, especially when she's given me so much information already. I try to calm myself down. "I actually haven't been in Orlando for very long. I was in Washington D.C. for almost twenty years, but we moved to Orlando because my husband wanted to start a restaurant. There were more opportunities in suburban Orlando than there were in our neighborhood in D.C."

[losttheright]

"Yeah? I went to school in D.C.," Molly says, smiling at the familiarity, a small reminder of home and a welcome one at that. She tries not to let herself miss what she had before too much, in part because she'll never get back there and in part because she's got a pretty good thing going for herself here, but with as varied as the population of Darrow is, someone coming from the same coast or even the same country tends to seem significant. Someone who's lived where she's lived, that's even more so. "And it is, it's... exactly like that. Except no one here had any say in showing up here, so I don't really know what anyone expects us to do about it."

She says the last with a short laugh, warm but a little helpless. As much as it seems to be a predictable part of human nature for some people, unfortunate as that might be, there aren't exactly alternatives in this case, either. No one can argue in favor of closing borders or sending people back where they came from — all of which, in her opinion, is bullshit anyway, but at least would have been physically possible back home. Here, it's just railing at nothing, save for whatever force brought her here, and though she's an exception, she knows plenty of others who would happily leave if a way were made available.

Then again, there were any number of political stances she couldn't see the logic behind before she got here, too. She worked on the campaign she did for a reason, and likewise wouldn't be working for the mayor if she didn't think he had the right idea.

"But that's all the more reason it's important to make sure we have a voice."

[numberhuang]

I sigh and nod. She's right, of course. It doesn't take a smart lady to realize that the most important thing is for us to band together and make sure that people don't take advantage of us — and she is definitely a smart lady. "I want to make sure that we have a voice. I was considering, actually, going into politics after I met another person who's also from out of town. Seems like it could be a good way to keep an eye on things, to make sure that other people who are from outside are getting the full picture," I think aloud. "It would be nice to have more visibility. Even if there aren't any answers, you only start to feel better about that when you realize, yes, there aren't any answers. Nobody is trying to hide them from you. Everyone is as confused as you are."

I purse my lips. "But I don't know how likely it is for a Taiwanese-American who was transplanted into Darrow to actually get into political office. I haven't met so many people. Though I think my neighbors love me, I scared off some teenagers who kept on loitering by the apartment building," I confess with a small grin.

Shaking my head, I turn to Molly again. "But, how rude of me, I've been spending this whole time talking about things I want to do. Now I think I should learn more about you. I mean, first of all — I hope I should be offering congratulations?" I ask, nodding at her belly. I know not everyone is happy to bring babies into the world, but she doesn't carry herself like someone who is trying to hide this.

[losttheright]

"Yeah, I'll take congratulations," Molly says, expression turning just a little sheepish. She may still be ambivalent as often as not about the idea of being a parent, still desperately trying to wrap her head around it and reconcile it with her own past, but she has at least warmed to the thought some, and she certainly isn't going to object to any well wishes. Even from someone she's only just met, it goes a long way. Besides, she wouldn't want just to say no and launch into a long-winded explanation about this being an accident and her not having any other options. It's already raised questions and it's probably going to continue to, some people — even with as progressive as Darrow tends to be — thinking the fact that she's twenty-five and unmarried makes this a mistake and her irresponsible. Maybe it is, maybe she is, but she doesn't think she would have been able to live with herself if she didn't have this baby. "Thank you. And it's okay, really — I mean, I went into this field for a reason, it's not something I have any problem talking about."

Of course, how she got into it back home and what's come to matter to her here are two different things, but they're still tied together. It's still what she's been most passionate about for most of her life, the same issues applicable even in another world entirely. "If you decide it's something you want to do, I wouldn't say it's impossible. You'd have plenty of time to meet people — which makes all the difference, really — and there are city council elections every year, too. That might be a good place to find an opening. I think it only hasn't happened yet because we haven't had anyone run."

[numberhuang]

"Then congratulations!" I say, glad that I can be as happy as I feel, seeing a young woman who is excited for the arrival of her child. I am far from a touchy-feely person, I would not reach out to touch another woman's belly and I never know what exactly I am supposed to do at a baby shower, but I am a parent, and happily so. My three boys are the best things that have ever happened in my life.

Yes, even Eddie, even on the days that he is going around playing his rap music too loud.

"I am going to guess that it's a girl," I tell her with a nod. "My mother is much better than I am with the guesses, but I have a certain feeling that you would be such a good mother to a little girl. I never had a girl myself — just three rowdy boys. None of them are here, but... you know." I tilt my head back and forth, trying not to make a big deal of the fact that my children aren't here with me, because that seems like a terrible thing to emphasize in front of a mother-to-be. They say that people can disappear randomly from Darrow. I think the only thing worse than being pulled away from your children is having your children pulled away from you.

But in my research, I did not find any case of a child born in Darrow being pulled out of the city from their parents. I doubt records are complete, but that is at least a hopeful pattern to see.

"So council elections are every year... that's good, that's good, that means it only takes one year to prepare again if the first time doesn't work. Do you know when they are? Is it like the United States, do we vote in the fall?"

[losttheright]

"Between you and me, I'm kind of hoping it is," Molly replies, lowering her voice just a little as she speaks, her nose wrinkling. She's decided against finding out before now, and she knows she'll be happy — or as happy as she can be — regardless, but she likes the idea of having a girl, thinks it might come a little more easily to her. At this rate, she's going to need all the help she can get. "But I guess I'll find out soon. I'm sorry to hear that your kids aren't here with you, that's got to be rough." In fact, now that she's going to be a parent herself, it's one of the most difficult scenarios she can imagine, but if Jessica isn't going to make too much of it, then she doesn't think she should, either. It's not really her place to, anyway, and there's plenty else at hand to talk about.

In response to Jessica's question, she shakes her head. "They're the same time as the mayoral election, so the end of March," she explains. "So you'd have a little over six months if you do decide to run. I've seen people here pull together city council campaigns in less time, and you'd have the beginnings of a platform already." It's exciting, really, the idea of someone not from Darrow running for office. She's liked most of the people she's worked with, has found that she fits in well, but that doesn't change the fact that she's something of an odd one out when it comes to her background.

[numberhuang]

I nod when Molly says it must be hard for me. What's the point in lying? It's probably the most hard part about being in Darrow. I can deal with strange new technology, I can deal with different fashions, I can even deal with the idea of vampires and werewolves being real even if it's a bit terrifying. But being without my kids is very unusual and makes me feel like everything is a little less real. It's been a long time since I heard my sons' voices.

I hope I never forget what they sound like. If I'm here too long, maybe their voices will even start to sound different.

"Well, if you have a boy, I can give you lots of advice and tips on how to keep him in line. Actually, if you have a girl, I might have some ideas, too..." I say, thinking of Evan. He's the baby of the family, and my husband and I decided we would not have kids after him. That means many of the things we wanted to do with a daughter, we basically did with Evan instead. I think this is why he gets along so well with Deidre and the other ladies in the neighborhood.

"But okay, election in six months. That makes sense, it's right around Founder's Day, right? I haven't been here for that yet but I read about it," I say. "You really think that I can pull together a campaign in that amount of time? How should I get started?"

[losttheright]

"I've seen people pull one together in less," Molly says, one shoulder lifting in a shrug. Whether Jessica can or not depends, really, on her, but based on what she's seen so far, including Jessica looking into City Hall with a pair of binoculars, it wouldn't surprise her if she could manage it. One of the most important things in politics is drive. It doesn't seem like that will be an issue in this instance. "It might not be easy, but it's not impossible. And, hey, worst case scenario, you get your name out there, more people find out who you are and what you'd be focused on, and you can run again the next year, so it's... kind of a win either way, in that sense. And there are two seats per district, so really, that's double the odds. As for where to start..."

Trailing off, she pauses and takes a deep breath. "I'd say meet people. As many as you can. Others who work in and for the government, others who live nearby, people who aren't from here. You'd have the — let's call it the outsider vote all but in the bag, so the important thing is to establish yourself with people for whom that won't immediately be the deciding factor. If they know who you are, it's more likely that they'll vote for you."

[numberhuang]

She says that she has seen people pull a campaign together in less. Of course, that makes me want to ask the follow-up question of whether or not any of those people have ever won... but it's a good enough place to start. I don't need to win on my first time; I think if I can get my name out there, if I can show people that I care, then I can keep working and working until I'm successful.

"I'll do it. I'll try," I say firmly with a frown and a nod. "This is all very helpful to hear. I will try to meet people, I will put myself out there. I am already working as a real estate agent here, that's not too bad for meeting people, especially because people hunting for homes are sometimes talking about how much they hate the prices, how high the taxes are, all these things I can talk about. And I can talk about small business because my husband back in Orlando, he owns his own restaurant. It looks impressive but I think anybody would be surprised by how little we make for how hard we have to work."

I turn to Molly. "Is it okay if I keep in touch with you? Of course, I am sure that you have other things on your mind... but if I have questions, it would be helpful to have someone to talk to. I will offer my help with the baby. I raised three sons, I can offer great advice, and I would make a great babysitter in a pinch if you need it. My job has very flexible hours anyway."

[losttheright]

"Oh, it's definitely okay," Molly assures her with a smile, the response coming easily. "I'd be glad to help out however I can. And... I will probably very much be in need of advice." She may have warmed somewhat to the idea of actually doing this, of being a parent, but she still feels clueless at the best of times, uncertain how she and Lee are possibly going to manage this. Getting some tips from someone who's had not just one, but three kids, is bound to be invaluable. She'd have been more than willing to help regardless, with as much as she loves what she does and as nice as it would be to see someone from outside of Darrow make it into the government, but that just makes the idea of staying in touch all the more appealing. In these coming months, she has a feeling she's going to need all the help she can get.

Fishing her wallet out of her purse, she takes out a business card, offering it to Jessica. "Here, this has my email and cell number on it. Feel free to call me anytime — I might be a little less available in a month or so, but if so, I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

[numberhuang]

"Wow, very professional," I commend her, flipping the card slowly in my hand. It's quality card stock, and that to me says that this young woman is very much in control of her life. It's really no wonder that she is working for the government — this is the kind of person I want to be helping to oversee how the city is doing.

Of course, I know that being in control of your professional life doesn't mean that you'll automatically be a great parent. I don't think anyone can prepare themselves completely for parenthood before it happens, so I am very happy to offer whatever I can to help her, especially after she's helped me to feel better about the city and my place in it.

"I don't have a business card, but I will give you a text with my name on it," I say, pulling out my phone to do so, punching in the number that she just gave to me. "And I mean it, I would be very happy to help you in a month. Having your first baby can be hard but it's much better when you have other people to help. What's the English quote — it takes a village?"

[losttheright]

"That's the one," Molly says with a nod, smile still in place. It is, if nothing else, a little easier to think about what lies ahead of her when she considers that she won't be entirely alone in this. She might still feel pretty clueless, and she knows that Lee is freaking out about it, too, but there are people who'll be able to help her — Katie and Russell, Andrea, and now Jessica, too. Maybe she's offered assistance of her own where navigating the government is concerned, but with something as personal as this, given that they've only just met, it means a hell of a lot that Jessica would be so willing to help her. "I don't think I ever realized just how true that is until I got pregnant myself."

There's plenty else she could say about it, but she's never entirely sure how much to divulge with someone she's only just met, knowing full well that the circumstances of her pregnancy aren't exactly conventional. She's young and unmarried, this was unplanned to say the least, and she still sometimes isn't sure she's going through with it for the right reasons. There'd been no other choice for her to make, though, and at least now, eight months along, she's come around to the idea a lot more than she expected to, no matter how strange she finds the idea of herself with a baby.

[numberhuang]

"Oh, you're never really prepared for it until you're actually pregnant, and then when you have the kid," I tell her with a firm nod. "You think that you are totally prepared and logical and will think of every possibility... but you won't. That is the wonder of kids. They will do things that you never could have imagined. In both good ways and bad." I shake my head. In some ways, it's good that Eddie is my oldest, that he's the one who is most outside what any of us expected. It made the other two boys easier to manage. Evan is practically a breath of relief.

"I don't mean to make it sound so scary, though. Because even though kids are always surprises, you know, as a parent you start to surprise yourself. Things that maybe you never thought you could do, you find a way. So I'm sure you will be fine even if you don't have other people to help you," I say, moving my hand in a smooth, flattening motion, like I'm trying to iron her nerves. Not that she seems to have too many of them. She's probably like most people who work for the government; they know how to keep up face. "But that doesn't mean you should turn away help when you can get it, you know?"

[losttheright]

As daunting as the whole idea of this is, Molly finds that there's something almost comforting in Jessica's words, too. All this time, even knowing she needed to go through with it, she's doubted her own capabilities, wondered just how she'd be able to be a parent at twenty-five with a boyfriend in law school and her career on an upswing, however tenuous her position may be, relying on Mayor McDillet's ability to get reelected. If someone who's had three children, though, can tell her that being able to do things that she wouldn't have thought she could comes with the territory of being a parent, maybe there's a chance she'll be able to get this right. She sure as hell means to try. It won't make up for what happened in the past and it certainly isn't a way to atone for her sins, but it's a step in the right direction.

"I definitely won't be turning away from any help," she says, chuckling at herself as she does. "And, really, it's okay, I don't think you can make it sound any scarier than it is in my head. I'd rather... you know, be as ready for it as I can be, even if that means being ready for not being ready." The last thing she needs, really, is someone who'll sugarcoat the whole thing, make it sound easier than it is. "Just knowing that I have people around who've already been through it goes such a long way, you know? I'd really be freaking out otherwise."