the natural state of motherhood is unselfishness

[numberhuang]

Being in Darrow is exhausting. It has been a month, but most things do not feel any easier than the day I arrived. Okay, so I'll admit that I have made some friends in this time, and now I also know the directions to most places that I would be interested in visiting regularly. I've also earned enough trust with my neighbors that they don't complain about the smells of my home cooking (which is really rude of them to complain about in the first place; do they want me to be completely invisible as their neighbor?). So when it comes to daily living, yes, things are easier.

But there is also a niggling voice at the back of my head that hates the fact that I am still here. That hates the fact that in the morning, sometimes I do errands instead of heading straight to the library. I feel restless and unhappy in Darrow. And very, very tired. I am only realizing now how much of a relief it was to have Louis around to talk to; he made me feel better about so many things just by listening. Or by suggesting things that were so silly that I came up with better solutions.

Here, my apartment is empty. And yes, I can dote on Henry and Adam and the others who have let me into their lives, but it's not the same as living with a family.

This is why I spend more time at the park now. It is just across the street, and at least during the day I can enjoy the sounds of families who have come to the playground with their kids. I am just settling in with my bao for lunch when I see a woman push a stroller with the cutest little baby inside.

"Oh," I sigh, smiling at the child. "Your baby is just adorable."

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[beyoncepadthai]

"Oh, hey, thanks," Mindy stays, stopping to turn and smile at the woman. She'll never tire of compliments on her son, and the fact Danny's not around anymore just means she can take all the credit (at least, that's how she's trying to see it.) "His name is Leo. Well, Leonardo. I'm Mindy."

[numberhuang]

"Oh, Leonardo. Maybe someday he'll be a genius inventor," I coo, leaning down further to get a look at the young boy's face. The first thing that I see is that he has really nice hair, and it does not simply lay flat like Emery's. (I love my son a lot, but I know that flat hair is impossible to work with. Fortunately he's a boy, so he won't get as much pressure from society to do anything with it.) "He looks so smart, so charming. Already winning me over with that smile."

I look up at the woman again, because just as impressive as the baby is a woman who is taking good care of her son. "It's nice to meet you, Mindy. I'm Jessica. I'm sorry if that came out of nowhere; I have three sons at home so there's always a part of me that feels nostalgic when I see a handsome baby."

[beyoncepadthai]

"Or a famous movie star," Mindy points out. She's sure that Danny would say that the name was Da Vinci inspired but she is totally claiming Di Caprio. It's so weird not having any knowledge of the naming process and yet knowing how perfect Leo's name is for him.

Pulled out of her daydream when she hears Jessica mention that she's away from her sons, Mindy's face falls. "Oh my god," she says. "That must be so hard."

A year ago, before she was a mother, Mindy wouldn't have had any idea just how hard.

[numberhuang]

"There's a famous movie star named Leonardo?" I ask, confused. Maybe I'm just not watching enough movies... or maybe this woman is from Darrow and knows different celebrities than I do. But she knows who Leonardo da Vinci is, so she probably is from outside Darrow?

But then I think that there are so many inventions that work the same way here that they do back home, so maybe some people are the same between my world and Darrow?

...this is way too much thinking for chatting about a little boy's name.

I take a deep breath and nod when the conversation turns back to my own boys. If I thought she was from Darrow before, this confirms that she's not. She knows what it means to say that my boys are home. At a home that I can't reach. "Yes. Yes, it's... difficult," I say quietly. "I think it's better that I am here than if they were here, but it's so strange not to see them every day. This is probably why I get emotional when I see mothers who have their children around."

[beyoncepadthai]

"I... can only imagine," Mindy says. Really, she's imagined it more than she cares to reflect on. Losing Danny and then Elle among others, she can't help but sometimes wonder the likelihood of losing Leo, too. She's not sure she'd be able to handle that. "I'm really sorry. For, uh, their not being here and my... having my child around."

It comes out a total mess, but it's not like there's a precedent for this.

[numberhuang]

"Apologizing for having your child around? Please," I tell her with a smile and a quick shake of my head, ushering her closer with my hand. "I am not the type of person who becomes sad when I see other people's happiness. Unless, of course, they are my mortal enemy or my main rivals in life, but you are neither of these things, so you're safe. Actually, I think it helps me to see parents and their children here. It makes this place feel more normal."

Most of the people in Darrow are from the city. Those people go about their day feeling like nothing is wrong, which can be a little strange for me to see. But the ones who are outside of Darrow, but still have lives here — the people who came here and have made a place for themselves — they give me the most hope.

Not that I want to settle in Darrow myself, you know. But it's nice to see that things aren't completely terrible.

"Do you have the time? I would love to treat you to coffee, or tea — oh, have you ever tried Italian soda? I had that for the first time recently, it was very good too."

[beyoncepadthai]

"Italy has its own soda?" Mindy asks, more than willing to deviate from the kind of awkward, sad conversation. She wonders why Danny never mentioned it but, then again, he was only ever interested in tonic water.

Which was gross. "Uh, I'd love to. I mean, you don't need to treat me, but it would be cool to hang out. Is there a place close by that sells it?"

[numberhuang]

"You know, I am not sure if Italian soda actually comes from Italy... it might be like French fries, that aren't really French but we call them that for some reason. Or like fortune cookies, which everybody thinks are Chinese but they were actually invented in America," I nod to myself. Now I am curious to find out, not that it even matters. Either way, it is delicious. But it would be a good piece of trivia that might come in handy someday.

"Okay, let's go Dutch then," I say when the woman offers to pay her own share. Maybe I would try a little harder to grab the bill if we were closer friends — also if I had more in savings, which right now I do not, it's actually very scary for me. "There's a place just down the street. Oh, if that's okay for your son, that is. I don't want him to lose out on rest if he needs it. I know how hard it is to manage an overtired baby."

[beyoncepadthai]

"He will sleep if he needs to, he's super chill," Mindy says. She actually had no idea that fortune cookies weren't actually Chinese, but she just nods along like it's obvious so that she doesn't come off like an idiot. Or racist. "It'll be good to talk to a fellow mom," she adds. "I... don't have a lot of friends with kids, here. Most of them are way too young."

Not that she doesn't deal with young patients all the time.

[numberhuang]

"Ahh, yes," I nod, understanding. "I remember when I had my eldest, Eddie. It completely changed the dynamic of my friend group. I kind of knew it would because I wasn't the first one who had a baby, there were others, but all of them kind of fell out of the group because they couldn't meet up or they had to spend time with their children. I used to roll my eyes and say that they just didn't want to spend time with everyone else anymore, but now I know. It's not that they don't want to, it's just hard. That's why you join mom groups. Because then you're with people who understand."

I sigh, shaking my head. "Well, it's been a few years since any of my boys were this small, but I think going through it three times means I'm still pretty good at what I do. How have you been adjusting?"

[beyoncepadthai]

Mindy, not for a lack of trying, doesn't really fit in with the mom groups. She's never on time and she never knows enough about Leo's progress (she went to medical school but she knows next to nothing about babies once they're bundled up and sent home) to impress them. Sam has been there for her, at least, as someone who is also raising a kid alone.

"Uh, I don't know," she says, looking down at Leo. "His circumstances were... kind of unusual. He showed up here one day, four months old. The same day his dad disappeared."

She trusts that the woman will understand well enough without having to get into the specifics of Darrow's weird. "It was a lot at once. I think we've hit our stride now, though. Most days."

[numberhuang]

"He showed up..."

At first, I don't understand why she talks about the age of the baby when he was brought to Darrow. I don't think it would be very unusual if my boys were brought to Darrow. I have learned that it is not uncommon for people who are related to someone alone in Darrow to make their way over before long, usually in less than a year. And sure, four months is young than my boys are but—

—oh. Wait.

"So his father disappeared from the city the day that he arrived. But you say he showed up when he was four months old. Are you also saying that you did not know your child before he suddenly appeared here in the city?"