fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future

[numberhuang]

Tabloids are dangerous things. I know that. They are all filled with stories that are interesting and that we want to know more about, but the problem is that most of them are fake. So it's like they get you all interested when you're waiting in line at the grocery store, but if you don't carefully read the magazine name then sometimes you have these fake stories planted in your head, and then when you bring it up in conversation everyone looks at you like you're stupid.

But every now and again, a very important story breaks first on a tabloid — and then you find out that it's true.

This is why I still read tabloid article titles when I'm in the grocery store. Except now I carefully research online to see if it's actually true before I sound any alarms and start gossiping.

There was a story on the front of City Enquirer this week that looked ridiculous right away. It said that somebody found a hole in the city, and if you walk through this hole then you can see a different dimension or version of Darrow or something. Maybe if I read that on my first day in Darrow then I would have started searching for the hole immediately. After all, I was looking for anything that could give me clues on how to leave this godforsaken city. But after a month of finding nothing, I was starting to settle a little more.

Until now.

I was on my way to a job interview when I passed by the place that the magazine was talking about. And I saw it with my own eyes — a hole. And I saw someone walk through it. And then I immediately pulled out my phone and started reading everything that people are saying about it, and I will tell you that it sounds like a mix of a horror and science fiction movie.

My mind immediately goes to Brendan's girls. They are the youngest that I know in Darrow, and the ones I would want to be the furthest away from something like this.

I knock a few times on Brendan's door, loud to try to get his attention. It is late enough that I think he is probably at home with his girls.

"Brendan? Brendan, are you home?" I call out.

Comments

[theunderdog]

There's been no missing it, really, the buzz that's circulated over the past few days. Brendan heard about it at school first, word of this breach or rift or whatever making its way through the rumor mill as quickly as anything, more daring groups of kids trying to make plans to go see it for themselves. He even got a question about it in the middle of class, which he supposes is only reasonable when he teaches physics, but this is beyond him. Darrow in itself isn't a world he could have been prepared for, and it seems that at every turn, there's some new way for people to be thrown for a loop.

At some point, he thinks, he does want to see it for himself. As much as he's a fighter — an instinct too deeply ingrained in him for it to ever be shaken off — he's a scientist, too, and the prospect of something like this is both daunting and fascinating in equal parts. First and foremost, though, he's got other things to worry about. Later, maybe, some time when Emily and Rosie both have plans with friends, he'll go take a look. Until then, his place, as ever, is with them, which is where he is when he hears a knock on the door and a familiar voice coming from the other side of it.

"Daddy, someone's here!" Rosie calls, like he isn't perfectly aware of that for himself, and he just smiles at her; Emily glances up from the homework she's doing and rolls her eyes.

Pulling the door open, he offers Jessica a small smile. "Yeah, I'm home," he says. "We all are. You wanna come in?"

[numberhuang]

I relax a little bit when I hear Rosie's voice. She is a very precious girl, that one. Always makes sure that her voice is heard. I was much like her when I was little; even if things shouldn't have needed saying, I would say them anyway just to make sure I was included. It worked very well. There are very few times now when I am kept out of a conversation.

"Yes, please," I say and sigh with relief when I see Brendan. There's no panic in his expression, and his girls look just fine in the background. I can't say that they are almost like family, not yet. I haven't been here long enough, I haven't made my way over to see them enough times yet. But they are about as important to me as anyone is in this city. They are a family that help me feel grounded and almost normal, when I need to see a family that's together and happy.

"Have you heard about it?" I ask in a lower tone as I step inside, taking my shoes off by the front door. "I mean, what am I talking about, you must have heard about it. The new hole that opened up in Darrow. I thought it was just some crazy story, but then I walked by it on the street. You can see clear through that thing! Lots going on on the other side of it, but I haven't stepped through. Seems too dangerous."

[theunderdog]

"You saw it?" Brendan asks first, instinctively, brow raising. She isn't the first person he's encountered who has, but he also trusts Jessica a hell of a lot more than he'd trust high school students, and he's curious to find out as much about it as he can. Finally, remembering her question, he nods, glancing back at Emily and Rosie to make sure they aren't paying too much attention. They'll hear about it eventually, but he doesn't want to wind up alarming them, either. "Yeah, I've heard. Being around a bunch of teenagers all day, it'd be kind of hard not to. Rumor mill's going crazy. But I haven't seen it for myself yet."

She's got a point about it seeming dangerous. So far, he hasn't heard any stories of people suffering ill effects of going through the portal, but it also hasn't been there all that long, so there's no real way to say for sure. With that being the case, his own interest can wait. He's not going to put himself in jeopardy when he has Emily and Rosie to look after.

"So you can really see right through it? What — what was it like?"

[numberhuang]

"Well, first of all it's not just the hole in the air," I murmur, walking over to the living room couch and sitting down, waving for him to follow. "I saw pictures on magazines but I thought maybe it was a hoax or construction just really screwed up, but the roads and sidewalks are completely ruined next to the hole. I don't know what happened, if something crashed there or what, but it looks crazy, it looks like somebody really went to town."

I don't mention the fact that many windows on the buildings close to mine have completely blown out, because... well, no need to alarm Brendan. This is mostly to make sure that he and his girls stay safe. I can always crash somewhere else if I need to, I'm not worried about getting out of this unharmed. (No more than I've been worried about vampires and werewolves, anyway.)

"The hole itself is like... blue. The sides of it are all swirly, keeps moving, makes the world look like it's melting and warping. But in the center, you can see through, almost like a window. The other side looks like it has pretty crazy technology."

[theunderdog]

That part, at least, makes sense, inasmuch as any of this makes sense at all. Granted, in Darrow, just about anything would be possible, and stranger things would have happened than a hole in the world appearing out of nowhere, but from a logical standpoint, if something like that were to happen, it would take one hell of a catalyst, more energy than he can even begin to fathom. It makes him want all the more to see it for himself, but it isn't as if he can just run out now. He'll just have to find time later. That he's hearing it from Jessica, though, rather than a student, makes all the difference. He can take her at her word; the same isn't quite so true with them.

"So something must have actually caused it," he says, "or at least, that's what it sounds like. Though that doesn't explain what's over there. Did you see anyone coming or going through?"

[numberhuang]

I'm glad that Brendan believes me. Of course, anyone who knows me at all should know that this is not something that I would joke about — that actually, there are not very many things in the world that I would joke about. I think jokes are often a waste of time, especially if you're not a very funny person, which I am not. Why not just tell it like it is? That saves the time for everyone.

I sigh.

"It does seem like something caused it. I don't know if it's on purpose or not, whenever I read about things like this in science fiction it's usually an accident and terrible things happen later," I say with a wave of my hand. "But no, I haven't, I haven't watched it long enough to see if anyone's going through. Although I did see some people whose fashion sense is very different, they've been wandering around in the same area. Maybe those people came through the hole."

[theunderdog]

"Yeah, they very well might've," Brendan says, still finding the whole thing equal parts alarming and intriguing. "I've been hearing that they can and do — a bunch of kids in some of my classes keep talking about going over there like some kind of dare or something. And I guess it stands to reason that if the technology is different, the clothes might be, too." It's all guesswork at this point, and he wouldn't be surprised if the same were true for people on the other side of the breach, too. Even for all the strange things that have happened here, this is unprecedented. Maybe he's not the person to study or attempt to explain it, but he is fascinated by it.

She has a point, though, about how things like this usually go in science fiction, which seems like a weird metric to apply to real life, but generally isn't that off-base in Darrow. Whatever does come of this, if anything, he can only hope it isn't too bad. "God, it's weird to think about."

[numberhuang]

"Where are those kids' parents? Shouldn't they be warning about all the dangers in going somewhere unknown?" I ask, not exactly surprised by what Brendan tells me about the kids, but certainly worried on their behalf. "I mean, we have no idea what it looks like over there! Who's even in charge! It could be some kind of totalitarian state that's going to grab us all up if we step foot in their territory. No way, it's too dangerous, it's just crazy."

I cross my arms and shake my head, leaning against the back of my seat. After a couple seconds of sending frustrated waves of thought at every pair of guardians in the city who aren't keeping a close eye on their children, I sigh.

"Though I have to admit, it is tempting to want to see if there are people I know on the other side. Or a way home. I mean, this is the first time there's been such an obvious way to technically get out of the city, right?"

[theunderdog]

"I think there are some of them who'd want to go even if their parents tried to stop them," Brendan says wryly, shaking his head a little at the thought. In general, his students are good kids, and he tries his best to connect with them, but there are always going to be a few rebellious ones, especially at that stage in life. Especially when nearly all of them have grown up in Darrow, too, he imagines there'd be no keeping them away from something like this portal or whatever it is that's opened up. Really, he only wishes he knew more about it. If he did, he might be more inclined to check it out himself, or at least give his students tips about doing so. If they're going to, they should be safe about it.

He sighs in turn, though not so much out of weariness or exasperation. If anything, it's nice, having another parent to talk to, someone who has experience with children his daughters' ages. When most of his time is spent around teenagers, this makes for a nice change of pace. "But yeah, yeah, I think it is the first time. And I can't pretend I haven't been tempted to check it out, if only to find out more about it. You know, I teach physics, something like this is... It's a serious opportunity."

[numberhuang]

"Want to, sure. But a prepared parent would know how to think three steps ahead and stop them," I point out. I know that yes, there may come one day when one of my sons would be able to trick me entirely. But I like to think that they won't do that with anything that's important. Partially because I brought them up to be good, obedient boys, but also because I brought them up to have common sense. It's one thing to sneak some snacks when I'm not looking, but it's another to go jumping through some kind of magical hole that none of them understand!

I think I've raised them well enough that they would never do that. I think Brendan has raised his daughters that well, too. Maybe it's not worth mentioning. But I'm worried on behalf of those rebellious children! Someone needs to reach out and shake some sense into them.

I sigh.

"Is there anything in physics that could explain what's going on? Any theories that are actually reasonable? I suppose I have heard of the word wormhole, but that doesn't even guarantee that the way through is safe, not even to mention the other side, right?" I pinch my nose. "It feels like hoping for anything on the other side is so foolish, but..."

[theunderdog]

"Nothing that I know of," Brendan says, shaking his head. He's no expert and he knows it — familiar enough and passionate enough about the subject to teach high schoolers, but not about to write any books or make any major discoveries. If anyone does figure out what's going on here, it won't be him, not with the likes of some of the people in Darrow. He's no less fascinated for that, though, or curious to find out as much as he can. "But this entire place kind of breaks a lot of the laws of physics that I know, so I guess that's not surprising. No one's come up with a reasonable explanation for a lot of this yet."

If he's entirely honest with himself, he'll be surprised if anyone ever does, if only because he feels like, if that were going to happen, it would have by now. It isn't exactly a comforting thought, but these past few years, he's had to get realistic, not wanting to hold out hope for something that's unlikely to happen. Still, it's for that very reason that he can't blame her for the last thing she says, not with the kind of effort it still takes him to keep going without getting hung up on what he doesn't have. "Anyway, it's hard to help," he finishes for her. "Something like this happens... There's no telling what could be over there."

Or who. It's all too unpredictable for him to want to give that thought much weight — he doubts this window is just going to stay open forever, after all — but he can't pretend it hasn't occurred to him.

[numberhuang]

"Maybe not everything is Newtonian physics but everything should have some kind of rules to it," I complain, not sure if I'm trying to convince Brendan or if I'm trying to convince myself. I do believe that there is some way to explain almost all things in the universe. The only question is whether or not we can find that explanation.

The thing that makes me think that maybe we can figure this one out is because there was so much damage before the hole. That makes me think that this was not a careful choice, not like when all of us came to Darrow and had an apartment that they put us in and a bank account and so many more scary things. This time, something made that hole, probably by accident but if not then definitely by force. And force is something that we must be able to understand.

Right?

"You're right though, we don't have any way to really know what is over there. Do you know anyone who has gone? I haven't asked anyone I know yet," I say, pulling out my phone and looking at my contacts and thinking who might have gone through. Maybe some of the kids from Hywel... hopefully not Henry or Adam. "I should probably text everyone, also watch the Internet. If somebody went there and came back, I am sure it's going to make the news."

[theunderdog]

"Not that I know of," Brendan says, shaking his head. "Some of the students who've talked about it... I don't know if they actually went or if they're just saying they did." Neither would really surprise him. Anyone wanting to seem cool or tough or anything like that, it would be a perfect way to, and easy enough to fake. Besides, he wouldn't want to spend too much of a class period grilling students about what they do in their free time. What he picks up are mostly just bits and pieces of things, snippets of information that have started to circulate, potentially already distorted. Whatever facts he gets, he'd rather turn to a somewhat more reliable source. "But yeah, if people really are going and coming back, we're all going to wind up hearing about it. There are probably people with cameras parked over there."

Maybe, he thinks, once he's heard more about it, he'll feel more comfortable going to see it for himself. It's the best way to find anything out; it's just also, at this point in time, too dangerous, too uncertain. "I'd be surprised if there weren't rules, really — a cause and effect, there has to be — it's just hard to figure out when so much of what you used to know doesn't apply anymore. Unfortunately, they don't give you a guidebook on it when you get here."

[numberhuang]

"Or if there are people who are just coming here, there should probably be some of our people there with cameras too, right? I mean, I didn't see anyone coming out when I was there but I am sure someone will try to come here if it is even possible. Can you imagine? You have this whole other world that you can sneak into and they probably don't have any of your records," I say, and I can feel my own voice rising higher with my panic. "Maybe the first people to come here will just be people who are curious, but what if criminals start coming here? Start raiding and stealing our things, and then the rate of crime goes higher, and our law enforcement doesn't even know how to give these people their rights because we won't have them in any system."

Too much talking, I'm running out of breath. I take a couple now. Brendan is much more calm than I am about this whole situation. It must be something to do with the fact that he's a teacher of teenagers. Anyone who can do that for a job must have more patience. Me, I want to knock everything down until I get the outcome I want.

"I wish more about this place made sense. It's like, when you get used to one thing, they throw something else at you. There's no time to adjust. You just always have to be on your feet."

[theunderdog]

"And as soon as you think you've finally figured out what to expect, or at least that it can't surprise you anymore... Something like this happens," Brendan agrees, exhaling slowly. Calm as he might be, he doesn't blame Jessica for getting worked up about it, especially when she hasn't been here very long. It all gets a hell of a lot harder before it starts to get easier. Even after several years, he has some difficulty coping with it; he's just learned, too, to roll with what this place throws at them, no matter how fascinating, no matter how terrifying. At least, aside from the damage on Park, there don't seem to be any effects outside of the immediate. As long as he keeps Emily and Rosie away from there, they should be fine. He'll just keep a closer eye on them just in case, in the name of what Jessica has pointed out. There's no way of knowing or controlling who might cross through from the other side.

He gives her what he hopes is a reassuring look, though he's trying to convince himself just as much as he is her. "I'm sure the law enforcement here has thought about that, though, and will come up with something. Even if it's taking any criminals back to their own side, letting the people there deal with it."

[numberhuang]

"Exactly," I say when Brendan gets it, when he sees what's the most frustrating thing about this city — we can't keep track of everything. It's always changing. The rules are always changing, which is the opposite of what rules are supposed to be for — they're supposed to help us keep track of what's going on. They're supposed to help me understand if disaster is imminent!

"And that's the last kind of place that I want to live. The only place that I want to be surprised for is Melrose Place," I sigh. Speaking of which, I am very sad that I haven't been able to find Melrose Place on the televisions here. I have many channels, but the only thing that has been remotely interesting is this one show about hospitals and space.

I look out the window, as if there might be some answer for me out there. But all that I see is cars driving by.

"I hope you're right about law enforcement. I guess if they're still on the force after all the things that happened with bees, they can't be that bad," I reason.

[theunderdog]

"Yeah, I'd rather take my surprises on television, too," Brendan says, brow arched. He doesn't watch a lot of TV, really, aside from what the girls tend to have on — lately there've been some disagreements to that end, Rosie wanting to watch cartoons, Emily starting to gain interest in shows aimed towards teens and pre-teens, but usually, a compromise can be worked out — but even so, all this science fiction shit should be exactly that, fiction. While he may have gotten somewhat used to living with it, that doesn't mean he likes it. "And, yeah, it... It takes a lot to be willing to put up with what happens here, I think. They've gotta have some idea of what they're getting into."

It is, at least, one small comfort. Between the bees and the animal attacks after New Year's and everything else that's happened here, he does actually feel like he can trust the law enforcement officials here.

[numberhuang]

"I hope so," I repeat again. It feels like I'm going in circles now. Actually, it feels like I've been going in circles since the moment I arrived in Darrow. Whatever amount of calm I felt after the first few weeks is completely gone. Yes, maybe it's possible to feel like you're living a normal life eighty percent of the time in Darrow, but that last twenty percent is enough to ruin everything. And I don't say that just because I like for my sons to earn perfect test scores.

"Well, anyway, you have to let me know if you or anyone you know decides to do something with... that portal or whatever," I say to Brendan. "I'll be checking in on you regularly, I'll know if something happens. But. I thought it would be good to point that out earlier. Just in case." I look over the back of the couch at the girls, who are doing a great job of entertaining themselves.

"Your girls are so lucky to have you here in the city."

[theunderdog]

Brendan wants to say, instinctively, that he's the lucky one, knowing full well how lost he would have been if he'd shown up here without them and had to find his footing all but on his own, losing his whole family in the process. He has the good sense, though, to keep that to himself, knowing full well the position that Jessica is in and how easily he could have been. Plenty of parents seem to show up without their children, and vice versa. That Emily and Rosie were on the train with him when the world changed around him, though they were meant to have been miles away, makes him unbelievably fortunate, something he'd never take for granted.

"Anything I find out or anything I do with it, I will absolutely let you know," he promises, and he means it, too, not just because he knows that Jessica will make good on her word and be checking in. "And I won't do anything too risky. I... Not with them." It's been hard enough for them to adjust to not having Tess around. The last thing he wants is to do anything that jeopardizes his being here for them.

[numberhuang]

I smile when Brendan says, 'not with them.' Because I understand. In this moment, it really doesn't matter where we came from or what cultures we are a part of — we both understand what all loving parents understand. That keeping our children safe and in an environment where they feel safe is the most important thing in the world.

"Good," I say with a breath of relief. "I mean, of course you will, you are sensible and considerate, all the things that I like in a person." I reach over and pat his shoulder, then push myself up from the couch, because as much as I would like to spend the rest of the day with Brendan and the girls, I'm still very busy trying to understand what I can do to learn more about the city. And what jobs I can work to keep myself fed until I leave this place.

"We should set up some time for you guys to come over. I'll make dumplings," I tell him, then speak up loudly enough for the girls to overhear. "I bet Rosie and Emily would be really great at helping me cook."

[theunderdog]

Even distracted, Emily and Rosie both perk up at that, chiming in about how much they'd love to and how they could help, voice overlapping each other's. Brendan can't help but laugh. Raising two girls on his own these last few years has been unbelievably difficult, and at times more frustrating than he would have expected — something that he can only imagine will continue to be the case as they get older — but he still just as often finds them endearing. There's no doubt in his mind that they're the best part of his life, the best thing he's ever done. That would be the case no matter what world they were in.

"Well, it sounds like they agree," he says, half-teasing, and smiles at Jessica. "Really, that would be great. I... think it would be really good for them." Nothing is ever going to fill the space in their lives where Tess was, and he certainly wouldn't expect a friend he's made to fill the role of a mother, but for them to have any sort of maternal presence in their lives can only do them good. There are things that he's just not cut out for. "Any night that isn't a school night should work."

[numberhuang]

I laugh when the girls start to talk excitedly at once. It's not every day that you can make kids feel so excited about helping in the kitchen, and I am impressed that they are this excited to help with a food they might not know very well. But these girls are explorers, they like to learn new things, and I am sure that their father being a teacher has something to do with that.

"Yes, I think it would be really good for them. And really good for me, too," I tell the girls, walking over to them and kneading the backs of their necks lightly. "I will be able to make so many more dumplings with their help in the kitchen. They will become experts in no time."

I grin and sigh, feeling much better than I did before. I gather up my purse, leaving a few pieces of guava hard candy on the table for the three of them, then head towards the front door. "I'll text you later to figure out the time then?" I ask Brendan, opening the door. "I can see myself out. But soon. We'll talk again soon."

[theunderdog]

"Sounds perfect," Brendan says, nodding in agreement. Even with Jessica saying that it will be good for her, too — something that doesn’t entirely surprise him, knowing that she’s a parent who’s here without her children — it means a lot for just a simple invitation. Emily and Rosie have, for the most part, adjusted about as well to their life here as he thinks any kids who suddenly lose a parent could have, but there are ways in which the effects of it have been obvious to him, too. With a rare few exceptions, they don’t always take so well to other adults, especially women. That they seem to like Jessica so much is something of a relief, and says a lot about her. He might not know her children, not beyond what she’s said about them, but he has to imagine that she was a great parent. "We’ll all three be looking forward to it."

Hell, he suspects that the girls will be glad just to have a meal cooked by someone other than him. He doesn’t mind doing it, not so hung up on traditional gender roles or anything like that — not like the household he grew up in — but that was always more Tess’s forté than his.